The Jolly Ridiculous GNamer Tabletop Internet Text-Adventure RPG

>WAKE UP
>REMOVE CLOTHES
>TAKE TORCH FROM WALL AND HEAD INTO THE SOUTH-WEST PASSAGE

Jay examines the MYSTERY BOX.  Inside is... a dead cat.  Curse you Schrödinger!  DEAD CAT added to inventory.  (You never know, it may come in useful.  And knowing this game, it probably will.)

Jay gets 2 EXP for killing the cat (by observing it), and reaches level one!

Level up!:

Username tries to verbally remodel his GLAIVE, but he hasn't learned the required skill of LETTERMANCY yet!  (Plus, look at your Character Sheet: "Glaive" is in lowercase besides the "g", so half of the "i" would be two dots.)

Seymour has a better idea - well, apart from removing his clothes, causing everybody to pause for a moment to admire dat rump (even the overtly heterosexual Username - Seymour is that hideously attractive.  Jay may well be too drunk to tell the difference).  There's a SEDUCER'S GOWN there if anyone wants some armour, although it may have crumbs in the pockets.

He eases a torch out of one of the brackets and begins to proceed down the dark passageway.  The chittering is replaced by anguished hisses and running footsteps, but only a small area around Seymour is lit.  

Seymour can just make out two doors at the other end of the passage.  One has the face of Piers Morgan on it.  The other seems to be locked up tight.

A group of BOTHERSOME BATS emerge from the passage to the north of the main room, complete with this music.  But for the moment, they're all too transfixed by Seymour's backside to do anything.

Update summary:

Level 1 User's can now buy The Demon Sword of Killing Things for £15.

>USE SCRAMBLED COMMUNICATIONS ON THE BOTHERSOME BATS
>PROCEED TO PIERS DOORGAN

>GO BACK TO LIT NORTHERN PASSAGE
>REQUEST INFORMATION FROM SPECTRAL DISEMBODIED VOICE TELLING US WHAT'S HAPPENING ABOUT MP USAGE OF MY SKILLS

The SPECTRAL DISEMBODIED VOICE tells you that it's too inebriated to do a proper update tonight. Instead, an ELIXIR drops into the middle of the main room. First come (subject to agility), first served!

>SCREW THE NORTHERN LIT PASSAGE
>SPRINT AND GRAB ELIXIR

*enters spectate mode*

Spoiler:

>ALSO SPRINT FOR ELIXIR

(because what use is a sprint without someone to race?)

Masofdas makes his sales pitch from Username's pocket.  Any takers?

Seymour scrambles the bats' communication system!  They can no longer use echo-location to co-ordinate their attacks!  He gets 3 EXP for doing this.  Then he goes through the Piers Morgan door.  (Will detail what's behind door next update.)  The southwest passage is dark again.

x3
LP 9/9
Status: scrambled.

Jay makes his way to the northern passage, but is attacked by BATS on the way!  The bats use LEECH LIFE to do 2 damage.  The third one uses SUPERSONIC on Username, who is now confused.  Flipping bats, amirite?

MP:

Then he sprints back for the ELIXIR, and the extra AGILITY point is put to good use here... but he just loses out to the newly appeared Ballyzero, who spawned right in the middle of the room and didn't even have to sprint!  I'll have to put... I mean, those ELIXIRs should appear in more difficult places next time.

>FOLLOW REST OF TEAM THROUGH DOOR

>CURSE BALLYZERO'S LUCKY SPAWN
>USE RAGE OF THE NORTH ON THOSE DARNED BATS

Balladeer wrote:

x3
LP 9/9
Status: scrambled.

Don't forget about that smell...

Confusion:

Username immediately snaps out of confusion, takes a torch from the northwest of the room, and plunges through the darkness after Seymour.  The northeast and southwest of the main room are a bit shady now.  Best keep your distance.  However, Username sensibly leaves the torch in the passage, lighting it up for a while.

They find themselves in a room, filled with a strange green fog.  It smells like  - sniff sniff - spirits?  Yep, hold your tongue out and it tastes a bit like vodka.  Squinting through the fog, they can just about see a path, surrounding by some fluid; and a figure, standing on the path.  A spirit of the other type, maybe?  Best not spend too long in this room, unless you can clear it somehow.  Who knows what might happen to you (and your livers) if you do...

Jay lets loose a few choice swears at Ballyzero, increasing their RIVALRY!  Both will have their attack boosted by 50% when close enough together, but they may "accidentally" attack each other.  Of course, given Jay's typing, there's always a slight chance of that.  

Jay attacks with RAGE OF THE NORTH.  Angry Caledonians appear out of nowhere and charge, heads lowered, doing 2 damage to each bat.  They then disappear, leaving nothing but a wee aroma of whiskey (and wee) behind them.  Jay gains 6 EXP from this.  This man's on fire!  (Not literally, unless he really annoys Ballyzero.)  

One bat attacks Jay back, doing 1 damage and healing 1 damage of its own.  But another, still a little scrambled, leeches its friend by mistake.  Maybe it's the eggy smell?  One BOTHERSOME BAT down.  There's at least one easy kill here, for anyone who wants to try out their Big Sticks (as opposed to chucking MP all over the place).

x2
LP 4/6
Status: still a bit shell-shocked (dohoho).

Summary:

>DUNT BAT WITH BIG STICK

(does it count as a staff? I'm good with them if so!)

>CAST SHIELD

>PICK UP TORCH AND ATTEMPT TO IGNITE BAT

ZeroJones wrote:

>CAT SHIELD

You can't do that, Jay's the one with the... oh, that's not actually what you typed.  Ahem.

---

Jay dunts one of the remaining BATs with his Big Stick.  Due to his proficiency with staves and other wooden, non-bladed weapons, he gets an attack bonus!  But it doesn't matter because he would have killed the BAT without it anyway.  He gets 4 EXP for his troubles, within one point of level 2.

Bally casts SHIELD, but don't think the dungeonmaster didn't see him adding an extra special attack between levels!  He is deducted 2LP as a penalty.  Nonetheless, he gets 3 EXP for his well-timed distraction.  Between the sudden appearance of Phil Coulson and having egg on its face, the BAT's status changes from SCRAMBLED to BAMBOOZLED.  It tries to attack, but fails miserably...

...giving time for Username to sprint back from the Vapour Room!  He picks up and equips the TORCH, leaving the south-west corridor in darkness again, and smacks the BAT in the chops with the fire.  It falls screaming to the ground and burns up.  You can see its eyeballs bubbling in the heat and everything.  I do hope this doesn't get the adventurers in trouble with PETA further down the line!

THE BOTHERSOME BATS HAVE BEEN SLAIN!  VICTORY DANCE Y/N?

Spoils:

Masofdas must be getting a little squashed in Username's Inventory.  Anyway, whither next?  Southwest, to join the nude alcohol-breathing Seymour?  (His abandoned torch is still lighting up the passage, by the way.) Southeast, into the unexplored passage?  (You'll need some light for that one.)  Or north, to find where those BATs came from?

>N

Username stores the BAT'S FANG away in his Inventory.  His Common Sense stat. remains unchanged at "Not Completely Fucking Stupid".  There's always a chance that someone else may want that dagger, however.

Also, he doesn't dance. This is quite sad.

Balladeer wrote:

His Common Sense stat. remains unchanged at "Not Completely Fucking Stupid".

>REQUEST RECOUNT

>GO NORTH UP SPIRAL STAIRCASE
>REQUEST INFORMATION REGARDING ACQUIRING NEW SKILLS

>ENGAGE IN LIGHTHEARTED CONVERSATION WITH THE SPIRIT ON THE PATH.
> ASK ABOUT ALL THE VODKA.

RECOUNT INITIATED.

Positioning parameters...
Differentiating axial cables...
Quantum computing start...
Solving Higgsian equations...
Retrieving random numbers...
Calculating...

TARGET: Username McForumite
STATISTIC: Common Sense
RESULT: Looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Jay goes north up the spiral staircase.  There's a complete lack of bats there now.  Isn't that nice?

It's very winding, and there's a single small room at the top.  An attic, by the looks of things, with a single skylight set in the wooden roof.  Sunlight is streaming through onto a gate in the floor (Jay, I've a feeling you're not in Caledonia any more), but what looks like a STATUE is on the gate and is showing no signs of moving.  The STATUE's a kind of thin spindly metal thing that wouldn't look out of place in a Giacometti exhibition - looks light enough to push.  There's a desk by one of the walls, with some papers on top and an empty chair.

A chill wind howls through the eaves.  Jay feels something in his water, although that could just be the need to pee.

New skills:

Meanwhile, Seymour staggers a few steps through the alcofog towards the figure.  He can't see very well, so he probably shouldn't try to get into any battles; and if he stays in the fog for too long, he'll become DRUNK.  Nevertheless, maybe the friendly spirit can help him get rid of the...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXvHaPodYhE

>FEEL BAD FOR SEYMOUR HAVING TO DEAL WITH A BLOODY REDEAD
>SIT IN CHAIR AND READ PAPERS