The Chat Thread II: Chat Harder

Nathan was nervous on his first day of middle school. He'd just moved to town, didn't know a soul, and was desperate to fit in. During his lunch break he picked the clique of kids that looked friendliest, and went to introduce himself. They were cool and instantly accepted him into their circle. Lunch progressed in the usual jovial fashion, and eventually one of the kids, Derek, noticed Nathan gazing across the lunchroom and realized the new kid was scoping out a table populated by the cutest, smartest, and nicest girls in the 7th grade.

See anything you like? asked Derek.

Jolted out of his reverie, Nathan stuttered a bit and finally spit out, Who's that girl? The one over there with the red hair and green eyes and button nose covered in the cutest freckles a boy's ever seen?

Oh, that's Nancy. She's the sweetest girl in our school. Quick as a whip, too. Think you like her?

Yeah. Oh yeah! Nathan could feel his blood pressure rising, his cheeks pinkening, maybe even a little rustle behind his fly. If I could just talk to her for a minute, I think my life would be complete.

Well, Nate, it's your lucky day! Derek smirked, and winked across the table at his friends, who'd one by one tuned in to the developing scenario. I happen to know two little words that will open doors with Nancy to hallways of lust and desire you haven't even fathomed. Utter this little phrase to her and she'll be yours for as long as you'd like.

Really? And you'd do that for me? Let me use the words? Dude! What are they? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO MY FRIEND?

Calm down, Nathan. All you have to do is go over to her, introduce yourself, and tell her you have a secret. Get real close, lean right into her ear, smell her hair, and whisper these two little words. And Derek leaned in real close, smelled Nathan's hair, and whispered the words to his new friend.

Nathan looked at his new pal askance. That's it? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Or 'hallways of lust and desire' or whatever? I don't get it, dude! What, is this some kind of joke?

No joke, Nathan.

Purple socks, really?

Derek hurriedly shushed Nathan. Keep it down man. This is a phrase for whispering, so keep it to yourself until you get over there. Wouldn't want just any chick passing by to get the wrong idea, ya know?

Of course, of course. So, uh, should I go now?

Yeah! Do it! And so Nathan disentangled himself from the crowded lunch table and edged nervously around the edge of the room until he was standing awkwardly at the head of Nancy's table.

Uh, hi. Um, uh, hmm, well, uh, my name's Nathan, and I'm new here. I couldn't help but notice you across the room, and the second I saw you, Nancy, I knew I had to talk to you. In fact, his confidence growing with every word, I have a secret for you Nancy. Can I tell you?

Nancy, being fully the sweet, understanding youth Derek made her out to be, nervously poked her hair behind her ear, tilted her head towards Nathan, and said, Sure!

Nathan leaned in close, smelled the sweetness of her red hair, and with all his courage gathered from down in his toes and fingernails up into his lungs, whispered into his crush's delicate earcurve, Purple socks.

He'd barely got the words out before her open palm was smacking across his cheek and she was up in a huff, storming across the room with tears streaming out behind, plopping wetly on the gaggle of worried friends that trailed behind her. Just as she reached the cafeteria door she spun around and screamed, YOU ARE A BAD PERSON! HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING TO A GIRL LIKE ME? TO ANYONE?! I'M REPORTING YOU TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE RIGHT NOW, YOU SLEAZEBAG. STAY AWAY FROM ME.

[At this point the joke shifts gears. The principal calls the bewildered Nathan into his office even before he can get back to his lunch table, and offers a similar reaction to Nancy's when Nathan tells him what he said to the girl. Nathan gets expelled, no questions, nothing further, get out. Which is also the reaction of his father, the cop who finds him on the street, his court-appointed attorney, the judge, and anyone else he comes into contact with before beginning his 22-year jail sentence (for saying Purple Socks to the judge, of course). This is really the part you can stretch out. In jail Nathan finally gets a clue and clams up. He eventually makes a friend, and they spend the next 22 years getting to know and love one another. They're BFFs, you know? But Nathan never tells his BFF why he's in jail.

Finally, the last day of Nathan's sentence rolls around, and he and his BFF are walking out of the jail. (It's BFF's last day, too, doncha know.) BFF is like, Hey, Nathan, now that we're out and looking to get on our feet in the real world, I feel like I deserve to know what got you into that place. Why were you in jail?

Nathan stops in his tracks, bows his head, and appears to be deep in thought for a few moments. I've never told you because everyone I've ever told has immediately forsaken me, even to the point of having me jailed for what seemed to me to be nothing at all. The littlest thing. But apparently it's a big deal. So I'm going to tell you, but only if you promise that the bonds we've created doing time together are stronger than any I've ever had with anyone before, even my father, and that you won't fuck me over for telling you.

And, of course, BFF is like, Dude, you know me. I'd never do anything like that to you. You're all I've got out here, and we're going to brave the outside world together. Just tell me!

So he does, and the instant Purple Socks is out of his mouth BFF punches him in the nose, pulls out a shiv, stabs him in the side, steals his wallet, and runs off never to be heard from again. As he's bleeding in the dirt Nathan hears BFF call out over his shoulder, You damn sleaze, you deserve to go back in for another 22! Nathan is broken, and just lays in the road hoping to die.

But he doesn't die. After a while he realizes he's not going to bleed to death there. That eventually he'll have to pick himself up and get on with his life. And thinking a little further down the line he also realizes what he must do. So he gets up and begins his search for Derek, the boy who told him to whisper a magical phrase into Nancy's ear, a phrase that would open doors onto hallways he couldn't even imagine. The boy who, like him, would now be 35 years old.

After much searching, Nathan finally locates Derek in his hometown (via the phonebook, of all places!) and gives him a call. When Derek picks up Nathan launches into a vehement tirade, accusing Derek of ruining his life and leaving him broken, bleeding, and alone at every step of the way. Derek is, of course, initially confused, and asks Nathan what he did to inspire such a rage?

You told me to whisper into Nancy's perfect little ear a phrase that would open doors onto hallways of lust and desire I hadn't even fathomed. You said to tell her Purple Socks.

As soon as the phrase was out of his mouth, Nathan felt relieved. Derek just laughed.

Why are you laughing? Those two words ruined my life, ASSHOLE, and I don't even know why! What the heck does Purple Socks mean?! and why does everyone hate me for saying it? I HAVE TO KNOW AND YOU WILL TELL ME OR ELSE.

OK, OK, I'll let you in on it Nathan, just don't freak out. Look, you got me out of the phone book, right? Right. Well my address is in there too. It's an apartment on the third floor of that address. There's a park bench across the street from the building. Go sit there tomorrow and keep an eye on the 7th window from the left. When the blinds open, you will know the significance of Purple Socks.

So Nathan goes, and he watches that window without blinking for hours on end. Nothing happens, no movement, no nothing, just some closed blinds and traffic. He begins to lose hope, begins to think that Derek's only played him for the fool again, begins to convince himself that nothing's going to happen when—TA DA! the blinds open.

And holy shit, it's crazier than he'd ever thought. Purple socks? Purple Socks! PURPLE FUCKING SOCKS?!?! He can hardly believe it, hardly contain himself, and he jumps up and starts to run across the street. That's when the bus come in, POW! and turns out Nathan's lights forever. Killed instantly.

The moral of the story, my friends? Look both ways before crossing the street.