Switchin' and Moanin'

The Nintendo Switch is nearly upon us. Although the three minute reveal trailer last year set pulses racing, ever since the full presentation in January it has become clear that Nintendo have fucked it, they don't know what they're doing, this is the Wii U 2 and Super Mario Oddyssey will be an XBox One Scorpio launch title.

Let's count the ways!

• If you pick up your switch with both hands and heff it at a wall repeatedly, the screen cracks!
  
• It is launching with no Halo games and none have been announced so far!
  
• Even though a joycon can be easily and quite painlessly inserted into the bumhole, none of the software available at launch uses the HD Rumble in a stimulating way.
  
• The launch line up ONLY consists of The Legend of Zelda: The Breath of the Wild, which looks like the best game ever, 1, 2, Switch, a fun party game that is boring if you're sad and alone, Bomberman, which is made by a certain KKKompany, Snipperclips, a delightful and original game which requires other humans, Fast RMX, a futuristic racer which is an update to a well-regarded game and will be great multiplayer fun, Shovel Knight, a beloved indie darling launching at a reasonable price with copious new content, and some other games!
  
• It can't be played by dogs!
  
• Even when ground to a thin powder, consumption of a Nintendo Switch might kill you!
  
• It's being made in Japan, and I didn't vote Brexit for that!
  
• It's too small for my hands!
  
• It's too big for my pockets!
  
• No matter how long I play it for and how much I enjoy the games, even if the multiplayer helps me bond with my peers and find a mate in this life, I will inevitably die. I won't be remembered long after my death. Eventually, humanity and the Earth will move forward so that any impact I made will be smoothed out by the current of history. The sun will expand, the Earth will die, the universe will grind to a slow stop and everything, ever will be rendered ultimately pointless and futile.
  
• The battery life is insufficient for me to play it for an entire day outside, so I might have to talk to my family and feel their disappointment.
  
• The notoriously stringent Nintendo QA has rendered the machine sturdy enough to be used as a murder weapon.
  

Thread of the year confirmed.

• It's called the Switch, and that's a disgusting BDSM term for perverts.
  
• There's nothing else coming out in its first year apart from an enhanced portable remake of the best Mario Kart ever that hardly anyone owned, an interesting and quirky shooter, an interesting and quirky fighter, possibly the best 3D platformer ever, possibly another best 3D platformer ever, and FIFA.
  
• I Am Setsuna sounds a bit like I Am Sexuna, so that's a disgusting game for perverts.
  
• The controller looks like a dog and I'm a cat person.
  
• The Virtual Console games' transience reminds me that we're mucking up our own planet to the point of uninhabitability.
  
• 1-2-Switch contains a wanking minigame, and wanking is a disgusting action for perverts.
  
• I can't share any joy when I have none to share.

Fun fact: Switch actually has two distinct meanings in BDSM, as a switch is a type of whip and a switch is someone who can perform and enjoy either a dominant or submissive role in power exchange.

Anyway, some other stuff wrong with the Nintendo Switch:

• There's a shortage in the switch
  
• I can't stay on your morphine, because it's making me itch
  
• I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch
  
• And I swear you're just like a pill
  
• Instead of making me better, you keep making me ill
  
• You keep making me ill
  

Balladeer wrote:

• Still no announcement of Mother 3.
  

...you've done it now.

• THE RUMOURS TOLD ME IT WAS COMING NINTENDO, WHERE IS IT?! ARE YOU HIDING IT IN THE CUPBOARD WITH METROID, F-ZERO AND THE ICE CLIMBERS' DECAYING CORPSES?! HAS LUCAS FALLEN DOWN THE BACK OF THE SOFA? I BOUGHT HIS AMIIBO TO SHOW YOU I LOVE YOU NINTENDO AND YOU SPAT IN MY OPEN MOUTH YOU SHITHEADS
  

Duck and cover! DUCK AND COVER!

They haven't even announced Monster Hunter XX for the Switch. At this point Nintendo are quite literally stabbing me in the penis and forcibly taking the piss.

Don't worry, Drunka - I hear that Brazzers are working on Monster Hunter XXX. That's a whole extra X, what's not to like? (Which developer are Brazzers again?)

I saw the trailer for that, actually. The monster interactions were much more impressive: I've never seen the Nibelsnarf eat a Khezu in such detail.

Drunkalilly wrote:

I saw the trailer for that, actually. The monster interactions were much more impressive: I've never seen the Nibelsnarf eat a Khezu in such detail.

We may as well lock the thread as I don't see it getting better than that.

The Switch e-shop has too many games! We must BUILD A FIRE WALL and keep out anything not made by Nintendo. Make Nintendo great again. And something about jobs and the repeal of health care too.

Switch only has ports look even more announced with LA Noire a 6 year old £3 game, those suckers on Switch pay that $witch Tax.

I've never played LA Noire, and I'm far more likely to give it a go on Switch. I'm happy to have everything ported, as I'd always rather play on Switch than literally anything else.

ZeroJones wrote:

• The Switch will lower house prices.
  
• The Switch will teach children about homosexuality.
  
• The Switch will mean more interference from Europe.
  

The fact there are people out there who even list these as negatives, let alone attribute them to things that are doing good, makes me want to take the entire Earth and throw it forcefully into the Sun.

Balladeer wrote:

• Still no announcement of BG&E2.
  
• Still no announcement of Super Mario Rabbids RPG.
  

One of those wasn't on Switch, but still!
We also had Metroid Prime 4, even if it isn't actually a RETRO game.

Yeah, the Rabbids game was announced... months after we all knew it existed. If Nintendo can't keep up with the fast-paced world of videogame leaks, they're doomed to go the way of David Cameron. And it will SERVE THEM RIGHT.

Also: LA Noire but no GTA? Buggered it again. Speaking of buggery, I'm fairly sure my Switch is gay. I pointed it in the direction of my PS3 and it 'HD Rumbled'. What sort of example is that to children? Hopefully Future God-Emperor of the Cosmos Rees-Mogg will ban this sick filth.

Balladeer wrote:

Future God-Emperor of the Cosmos Rees-Mogg

Not even as a joke, given the abhorrent and reckless stuff he's said recently.

We've had Breath of the Wild, Super Mario Odyssey, Xenoblade Chronicles 2, and Mario Kart 8 Deluxe this year.  Not to mention a solid second tier in ARMS, Spla2n, M+RKB, and some actual third-party support.  All the while still providing some good-to-great games for the 3DS.

The fact that Nintendo knew how to pace this year with so many great games means that next year will be DRY and BARREN and result in THE DOOMING OF NINTENDO INTO THE SUN.

Spla2n easily top tier.

You see? They're dividing fans already! It'll all end in tiers...