The Jolly Ridiculous GNamer Tabletop Internet Text-Adventure RPG

>HAVE A CRACKING IDEA
>WE NEED TO BURN THE PAPER ON THE DESK, COVER THE STATUES EYES AND THROW THE INSECT JACKET OVER THE Rock PICTURE ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
>AND SOMETHING ABOUT A NEEDLE TOO...

Jay tries his best to get into the INSECT JACKET, which is really tough with the hanger stuck in there!  But he finally manages it, and stands proudly in front of "Aphidoidea" for several seconds.  Nothing happens, and he has a proper breakdown.  Username reports on it solemnly before rising from the desk.


The STATUE FACE's right arm is... well, there's no polite way to express it.  It's giving the room the finger.  Its left arm, however, is bent in under the face.  

In fact, now that Username looks at it, there's something else under that face.  He bends down, and it's two rows of letters.  There are indentations in the wall, and some LETTER TILES have been placed in most of them, leaving one empty slot.  He tries taking them out: no dice.  They're firmly stuck.  

|N | |E | |SW| |U | |||
|BB| |  | |PM| |B | |||

The brown lines to the right represent where the STATUE FACE's left hand gets in the way.  It's stuck fast, but closer examination of the arm reveals rudimentary joints.  So clearly there's a way to move it...


Seymour has a plan!  He grabs the paper off the desk and stuffs it in the GAS LAMP: it burns up quickly, and the lamp goes out.  But a small drawer in the bottom of the lamp pops out, filled with ASHY POWDER!

ASHY POWDER ADDED TO THE PUZZLE INVENTORY.

At the same time, he tells Username to put his hands over the STATUE FACE's eyes, and Jay to throw the INSECT JACKET over "Rock".  They do so, Jay struggling through his tears, but nothing happens.  Although... there is a low sound coming from that toothy mouth.  Is the statue laughing?  Yes, it sounds like it's laughing.  Great rocky bastard.

---

CURRENT PUZZLE INVENTORY:
N TILE
S TILE
E TILE
W TILE
ASHY POWDER

DM notes:

>LOOK AT PATTERN ON CARPET

>DO THIS TO STATUE WITH SOME OF THE ASHY POWDER

>SHAKE WARDROBE

>SHOVES USERNAME OUT OF THE WAY AND ATTEMPTS TO PUSH WARDROBE OVER
>LOOKS IN STATUE'S EARS AND MOUTH
>MENTIONS THAT CURRENT TILES FOUND STAND FOR "NORTH, EAST, SOUTH AND WEST" EVEN THOUGH IT HAD PROBABLY ALREADY OCCURED TO THE OTHERS

Balladeer wrote:

DM notes:

>SYSTEMATICALLY ATTEMPT TO PUT EVERYTHING IN THE PUZZLE INVENTORY

Jay starts off the new session by chucking some ASHY POWDER in the STATUE FACE's eyes.  The face... blinks?  With its solid stone eyelids?  Did you see that correctly?  Regardless, it doesn't seem to have worked.  Jay scrapes the ASHY POWDER back into its container: there's obviously another use for it.  

Desmond follows up behind him with a check of the statue's orifices (ooh matron).  The ears seem to be solid stone, and the mouth has a speaker in there, but nothing else.


Bally observes the handsome red and gold stylings of the carpet.  It's a nice carpet, although it doesn't look like it's been cleaned for a while.


Username gives the WARDROBE an attempted shake, but it won't move.  Must be attached to the floor.  Then Desmond charges into it, and ends up with a sore shoulder.  He makes an off-handed point about points of the compass as he rubs it ruefully.

The WARDROBE's potential isn't entirely spent, though: Username's attempt to fit the entirety of the room into the PUZZLE INVENTORY yields the four JACKETS.  Everything else (it seems) is attached to something, or not directly relevant to the puzzle.

---

CURRENT PUZZLE INVENTORY:
N TILE
S TILE
E TILE
W TILE
ASHY POWDER
WIIMOTE JACKET
BOW JACKET
INSECT JACKET
DAYTIME JACKET

---

The HINT SYSTEM has been unlocked!  For £1, which will be deducted equally from everybody in the room (currently five of you), you can buy a hint.  Here's one on the house:

First hint:

>THROW ASHY POWDER ON DESK TO READ ENGRAVINGS

DM notes:

ASHY POWDER all over the DESK. Jay sweeps off the excess, getting his hands a bit messy in the process, and leaving ash in the marks on the desk...

TURN HANDLE LEFT AND PUSH UP

Jay turns the handle on the locked drawer to the left, pushes it up, feels a click, and tries to open the drawer. ...it doesn't open. Tapping it and expecting a hollow knock, Jay discovers that it's not actually a drawer at all, just a handle stuck in the wood. What a swizz! But something clicked: feeling around, Jay pulls the GAS LAMP free. Huzzah! But it doesn't seem to light on its own, and it's out at the moment.

UNLIT GAS LAMP ADDED TO PUZZLE INVENTORY.

>WONDER IF IN ORDER TO OPEN WARDROBE'S DRAWER WE NEED TO MOVE THE JACKETS TO A SPECIFIC ORDER ON THE RACK
>HAVE NO CLUE WHAT ORDER THOUGH

>TAKE TILES AND PUT THEM IN COMPASS POINT POSITIONS: N IN NORTH, E IN EAST, S IN SOUTH, W IN WEST
>WAIT FOR THE EQUIVALENT OF THE QI KLAXONS

>AGREE WITH JAY
>DECIDE THEY SHOULD GO IN THE ORDER THAT WILL MAKE THEM CLASH MOST HORRIBLY
>PUT IN ORDER(LEFT TO RIGHT): daytime jacket, insect jacket, wiimote jacket, bow jacket
>WAIT HOPEFULLY

Bally takes the tiles and puts them around the room in their various compass point designations - so, where they were found initially, then.  There is a deafening silence, more depressing than any klaxon.  It chills the very soul.  THE VERY SOUL.  And then he has to take the N TILE back out of the bin again.  Yuck.


Jay and Seymour agree that the JACKETS have something to do with the WARDROBE's drawer.  They try putting them back in the order: DAYTIME, INSECT, WIIMOTE, BOW, and wait.  

Suddenly, everyone in the room gets a jarring electric shock!  Not the right order, then.  It wasn't a hard shock, and doesn't knock off any LP, but they have an awful foreboding feeling that repeated failures might result in harsher shocks. There must be a clue to the order somewhere...

---

CURRENT PUZZLE INVENTORY:
N TILE
S TILE
E TILE
W TILE
DAYTIME JACKET
INSECT JACKET
WIIMOTE JACKET
BOW JACKET
UNLIT GAS LAMP

>CHECK FOR SECRET NOTE IN The Complete to the Realm's Vilest Creatures
>IF NO NOTE IS FOUND, THROW IT IN THE BIN. SASSILY.

Balladeath wrote:

Suddenly, everyone in the room gets a jarring electric shock!  Not the right order, then.  It wasn't a hard shock, and doesn't knock off any LP, but they have an awful foreboding feeling that repeated failures might result in harsher shocks.  

>THREATEN TO KICK THE SHIT OUT OF THE DISEMBODIED VOICE IF IT TRIES THAT AGAIN
>ARRANGE JACKETS IN WARDROBE THUSLY: DAYTIME, INSECT, BOW
>PREPARE BOOTS OF MUCH SHIT-KICKING + 1
>ADD WIIMOTE JACKET TO END OF LIST

Seymour pulls out The Complete to the Realm's Vilest Creatures and starts to search it for a SECRET NOTE.  He's going to be at that for some time, so let's see what everyone else is up to.


Username, juddering slightly, yells at the ceiling.  He very carefully and deliberately places three of the JACKETS back on the rail.  Then, with a malevolent glare directed at no one in particular, he equips his BOOTS OF MUCH SHIT-KICKING +1, and because the DISEMBODIED VOICE is so taken with that idea they actually manifest.  Finally, still glaring, he places the final jacket.

DAY-INSECT-BOW-WII
Except that insect's an aphid, as the painting so clearly reveals.
DAY-APHID-BOW-WII

Spoiler:

The WARDROBE's drawer opens.  Inside is a KEY!

(The DISEMBODIED VOICE heaves a sigh of relief that the puzzle was solved before Username started to try and hunt him down.  It was bad enough chasing that Northern one around the town centre.)

Before it can be inserted into the PUZZLE INVENTORY, he uses it on the CUPBOARD's keyhole because what else is it going to be used for, duhhh.  Inside is...

...the same creature type as the STATUE FACE, splashed across the covers of several magazines, posing suggestively.  "Grackling (All Night Long)",  "Getting Grackly", "Gracklesbians"...  Oh God those tissues were not from a cold.  They were not from a cold at all.  Username feels a bit unwell, barely having time to snatch the BOOK OF MATCHES from the CUPBOARD before slamming the door and inflating the KATY PERRY DOLL to bleach his brain.  The horror...

BOOK OF MATCHES ADDED TO PUZZLE INVENTORY.


Seymour finally finishes flicking through the tome.  Of course there wasn't anything of any use: just lots of really quite detailed pictures of goblins and goblin-esque creatures.  He looks up, and isn't quite sure what to think of the gibbering mercenary puffing violently on his DOLL.  He does throw the book in the BIN, though.

---

CURRENT PUZZLE INVENTORY:
N TILE
S TILE
E TILE
W TILE
UNLIT GAS LAMP
BOOK OF MATCHES

Balladeath wrote:

DAY-APHID-BOW-WII

>GROAN LOUDLY
>LIGHT GAS LAMP WITH BOOK OF MATCHES
>WAVE IT THREATENINGLY IN FRONT OF STATUE FACE

Jay combines BOOK OF MATCHES and UNLIT GAS LAMP to get LIT GAS LAMP.  He waves it in front of the STATUE FACE: if there's anything this adventure has taught you, it's that your common or garden... goblin-like creature (you dare not speak its name) hates light.  There's a low groaning sound from the face's mouth: then the arms slowly bend in to cover its eyes.  Jay perches the LAMP on its upper lip, just in case.

The full rows of slots are revealed:
|N | |E | |SW| |U | |  |
|BB| |  | |PM| |B | |G |

Time for the final puzzle...

---

CURRENT PUZZLE INVENTORY:
LOOK IT'S JUST THE TILES OKAY

>USE MATCHES TO IGNITE GRACKLE-GROT. IT'S FOR THE BEST.

>PUT S AND W TILES IN THE TWO EMPTY SLOTS

Username burns down the CUPBOARD with great prejudice. Many great books are lost: "great" in that they're massive, not good. Nobody mourns their passing, even less so their flimsy erotic comrades.


Jay places the S and W tiles in the two empty slots. No dice. (Do note that the slots are big enough to place two tiles in each.)

>PLACE E TILE NEXT TO N
>PLACE S TILE NEXT TO E
>MOVE U TILE TO EMPTY SLOT
>PLACE W AND N TILES IN EMPTY SLOT WHERE U WAS
>STAND BACK AND HOPE MY COMPASS THEORY IS RIGHT

>LOOK ON CONFISEDLY WHILE JAY DOES HIS 'THING'

>TAP OUT 'GET LUCKY' ON THE DESK